A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?" The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service." Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or evening service?" (by Lonnie Selstad, Tracy, CA as submitted to ECULAUGH)

 After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

"There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst. He was a visitor who had never attended their church before. "My friend," asked the pastor, did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?" "Yes," said the visitor, "and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get!"

Minister: Do you know what's in the Bible?
Little Girl: Yes. I think I know everything that's in it.
Minister: You do? Tell me.
Little Girl: OK. There's a picture of my brother's girlfriend, a ticket from the dry
cleaners, one of my curls, and a Pizza Hut coupon. (Mark Brown, "Comedy Comes Clean")

A young girl once confessed to her priest that she thought she was guilty of the sin of pride. She said, "When I look in the mirror, I think I am beautiful." The priest said, "That's not a sin, that's a mistake." (Rev. James Whitcomb Brougher, Sr.)

Some people say, "I go to church, so I am a Christian." But that's like saying if you go to McDonald's you are a Quarter Pounder. (Adam Christing)

They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. You can call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers. (Tommy Blaze)

Abraham bought himself a fancy new computer. He was showing it to Isaac one day. "Look at all the wonderful programs it has on it. And look at all the neat things it can do..."
Isaac was impressed, but a little concerned..."But dad, I don't think your computer has enough memory."
Abraham said "Don't worry son; the Lord will provide the RAM."

"Top 10 Ways of Knowing You've Joined the Wrong Church"

10.  The Pastor refers to God only as "Jehovah" and constantly exhorts the congregation to "witness"

9.   New members are required to submit W-2's for the last 10 years.

8.   Pastor regularly attends meeting at Las Vegas and Atlantic City.

7.   The media refers to the church facilities as a "compound".

6.   You discover the church refers to the 10 commandments as the 10 suggestions.

5. The Women's Quartet are all married to the pastor.

4. The chancel cross has been replaced with a bronze pyramid.

3. Pastor preaches an eloquent sermon on ancient heresies and the    elders want to make them part of the doctrinal statement.

2. The New Member's kit includes a Bible, church-by-laws, and an   UZI.

1. The Pastoral Search Committee announces that they discovered a problem with their one good candidate-she's divorced. Marko Jauhiainen (mark@tpu.fi)

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving
    birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man,    and I hate people like that! --Tom Lehrer          

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do? --Ronnie Shakes

Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours. --H.L. Mencken

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. --Joey Bishop

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. --Jay Leno

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. --Darrin Weinberg

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. --Fran Lebowitz

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the
sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read
Mark 17." The following weekend, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister
asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now
proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...) The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who had just passed away. At the end of the Service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

Adam & Eve had the perfect marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about how well his mother cooked!

Heavenly Rates: A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!" "Come on in!"

It seems a cowboy from Colorado skipped church one day to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The cowboy stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the cowboy crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs. As the bear closed in, the cowboy cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian." Suddenly, the clouds parted and a beam of light shown down on the bear. The bear skidded to a halt at the cowboy's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to receive."

At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith. "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today." He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him: "I dare you do it again."

An uncle who could not make it to his niece's wedding instead sent her a telegram saying that she should read 1 John 4v18 which is about perfect love. Unfortunately and the 1 in 1 John had been missed off the page and when it arrived the service had just started. The best man was given it and he quickly looked up the passage and book marked it. When it came to his speech later at the reception he announced that the telegram had arrived and he was now going to read out a special message to the bride. He then read John 4v18 saying, "This woman has had 5 husbands and the man she is with now is not her husband."

Determined to "take it with him" when he died, a very rich man prayed until the Lord gave in. There was one condition: he could bring only one suitcase of his wealth. The rich man decided to fill the case with gold bullion. The day came when God called him home. St. Peter greeted him, but told him he could not bring his suitcase. "Oh, but I have an agreement with God," the man explained.

"That's unusual," said St. Peter. "Mind if I take a look?" The man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion. St. Peter was amazed. "Why in the world would you bring pavement?"

The pastor's young daughter asked her father why he always stopped at the pulpit and closed his eyes for a moment before he began to preach. The pastor told his daughter that he was saying a silent prayer and asking God to help him deliver a good sermon. The young girl thought for a minute and then asked her father, "Dad, how come He doesn't do it?"